Are grand gestures and constant compliments always a good sign? Maybe not.
By Sam Brodsky
An explosion and hearts to represent love bombing
Shutterstock / Wondermind
Imagine this: just a date or two in with someone new, and suddenly you’re flooded with messages about how incredible, beautiful, and unique you are – declarations they’ve “never felt this way before.” Then come the lavish gifts, the surprise flowers, and elaborate vacation plans. It feels amazing, right? Yet, a nagging feeling of unease might creep in. This overwhelming surge of affection is often termed “love bombing.” While the exact origin of the term is murky, platforms like TikTok have popularized the idea, associating it with early dating stages that precede manipulative or even abusive behavior. The hashtag #lovebombing has garnered hundreds of millions of views, bringing this phenomenon into the spotlight.
However, love bombing is more nuanced than social media portrayals suggest. It’s not limited to the initial stages of dating, nor is it exclusive to romantic relationships. It can manifest at any point and even in friendships or family dynamics. Crucially, while love bombing can be a manipulation tactic, it’s not always intentionally malicious, according to mental health experts. It’s a complex behavior with varied underlying motivations.
In this article, we delve into the intricacies of love bombing. We’ll explore what love bombing truly is, what it isn’t, and critically, Why Do People Love Bomb? Understanding these reasons is the first step in recognizing and navigating this intense form of affection.
What is Love Bombing?
While “love bomber” isn’t a clinical diagnosis, it describes a pattern of excessive displays of affection and attention within relationships – be they romantic, platonic, or familial, explains relationship researcher and therapist Marisa Cohen, PhD, LMFT. Love bombing manifests as an overwhelming deluge of gifts, constant flattery, and incessant communication designed to emphasize how wonderful you are. As Dr. Cohen notes, “love bombing basically means doing or saying things that show excessive affection and attention in relationships.”
This “coming-in-hot” approach is most frequently observed at the beginning of a relationship, often leaving the recipient feeling overwhelmed, Dr. Cohen points out. It can create pressure to reciprocate intense affection prematurely, before genuine connection and trust have had time to develop. This mismatch between the intensity of the gestures and the nascent stage of the relationship can be profoundly unsettling.
While occasional spontaneous gestures are welcome, love bombing differs significantly. According to psychologist and Monmouth University psychology professor Gary Lewandowski, PhD, who specializes in romantic relationships, love bombing gestures and compliments occur even before the “love bomber” has established a real understanding of your preferences or personality. Dr. Lewandowski explains, “when someone’s love bombing you, those compliments and sweet gestures happen before the love bomber even knows what you like.” This lack of genuine connection makes the affection feel inauthentic and performative.
It’s important to note that love bombing isn’t confined to the honeymoon phase of a relationship. Sam, 28, shared with Wondermind how a college boyfriend would resort to extravagant gifts like sports tickets, clothing, and jewelry after arguments. Reflecting on these instances, Sam recognized these grand gestures as love bombing, used to quickly smooth over conflict and regain favor.
Why Do People Love Bomb? Exploring the Underlying Reasons
Understanding why people love bomb requires looking beyond the surface of seemingly romantic gestures. While it might appear to be an outpouring of affection, love bombing often stems from deeper, more complex motivations. These reasons can range from manipulative tactics to underlying insecurities and even misguided attempts at connection.
Manipulation and Control
One of the most concerning reasons behind love bombing is manipulation. In these instances, love bombing is a calculated strategy to gain control and trust quickly before switching to more negative behaviors. Dr. Lewandowski explains that someone might “shower you with heart emojis and attention to keep you close (and, often, away from friends) or to distract you from their sketchy qualities.” The intense affection becomes a smokescreen, obscuring less desirable traits and isolating the recipient from their support systems.
This manipulative love bombing often comes with strings attached. After the initial deluge of affection, the love bomber might begin to exert control or make demands, using their earlier “generosity” as leverage. As Dr. Lewandowski points out, manipulative individuals “give a lot (see: love bombing) when they expect something in return.” This can manifest as phrases like, “Well I did X for you, so why won’t you do X for me?” The initial “gifts” become a debt the recipient is expected to repay through compliance and obedience.
Anxious Attachment Style
Love bombing isn’t always rooted in malicious intent. Individuals with an anxious attachment style might engage in love bombing behaviors due to their own insecurities and fears of abandonment. Dr. Lewandowski suggests that those with anxious attachment “might love bomb to bond with you faster or keep you around.” Driven by a deep-seated fear of relationships ending, they may believe that overwhelming displays of affection will solidify the bond and make their partner less likely to leave.
In these cases, the love bombing stems from a place of anxiety rather than conscious manipulation. The person may not even be aware that their behavior is excessive or potentially harmful. They are acting out of a desperate need for reassurance and validation, believing that intensity equates to security in the relationship.
Narcissistic Tendencies
Social media discussions frequently link love bombing to narcissistic personality traits, and there may be a valid connection. One small study indicated a correlation between narcissistic tendencies and love-bombing behaviors. Clinical psychologist Mark Ettensohn, PsyD, specializing in narcissism, explains that individuals with narcissistic personality disorder often seek to enhance their self-image by associating with “ideal” partners. Dr. Ettensohn states that they can get “swept up in ‘fantasies of that person’s beauty and perfection and an ideal love with them.’”
When someone with narcissistic tendencies perceives you as this “ideal” person, they may engage in intense love bombing to secure you in their life and reflect positively on themselves. However, this idealization is often unsustainable. When reality inevitably sets in and imperfections become apparent, the narcissistic individual may feel betrayed or disillusioned. This can trigger the “discard” phase, as Dr. Ettensohn describes, where the intense affection is abruptly replaced by devaluation and rejection.
Genuine (but Misguided) Enthusiasm
It’s crucial to acknowledge that not all love bombing originates from negative intentions. Sometimes, people love bomb simply because they are genuinely excited and enthusiastic about a new relationship, albeit in a misguided way. Dr. Lewandowski suggests that “this person could’ve had shitty relationships in the past, and you’re actually the best person they’ve ever been with, so they get caught up in their feelings.” They may be genuinely thrilled to have found someone who seems positive and healthy compared to past experiences.
Alternatively, some individuals might believe that grand gestures and constant displays of affection are simply how relationships are “supposed” to be, perhaps influenced by romanticized portrayals in media like The Bachelor. As Dr. Lewandowski notes, “Or, they could just think that people want excessive displays of affection after seeing it on The Bachelor or just assuming this is how you treat someone in a relationship.” In these instances, while the love bombing might be overwhelming and inappropriate, the underlying intention is not necessarily malicious or manipulative.
How to Recognize and Handle Love Bombing
Reactions to love bombing vary. Some people immediately recognize it as awkward and excessive, while others might initially find it flattering and struggle to identify it as a potential red flag. Sam, for instance, initially enjoyed the gifts from her college ex, highlighting the confusing nature of love bombing. Regardless of your initial reaction, it’s essential to address love bombing directly and establish healthy boundaries.
Self-Reflection
If you find yourself on the receiving end of intense affection, take a step back and assess the relationship beyond the grand gestures. Dr. Lewandowski advises, “take a sec to think about the things you like about this person and your relationship outside of the compliments and presents. Are they kind, supportive, caring, trustworthy, and fun in addition to being generous with words of affirmation and gifts?” Healthy, lasting relationships are built on compatibility, mutual respect, and genuine connection, not solely on extravagant displays of affection. Ask yourself: Does this person truly care about me? Do I genuinely care about them, beyond the surface-level excitement?
Identify Specific Concerns
If the intense affection feels unsettling, pinpoint the specific aspects that feel “off.” Is it the speed at which declarations of love are made? The extravagance of the gifts? The constant need for communication? Identifying these specific concerns will help you articulate your boundaries more clearly. As Dr. Cohen suggests, “pinpoint the specific things that feel off. Is it what they’re saying, how soon they’re saying it, or something else? That can help you figure out what boundaries you may want to set.”
Communicate Directly and Honestly
Open and honest communication is crucial. Express your feelings directly and clearly to the person engaging in love bombing. Dr. Lewandowski emphasizes being “as honest and direct as possible.” This might feel uncomfortable, but it’s essential for establishing healthy relationship dynamics.
Seek External Perspective
If you’re unsure about the situation or your feelings, seek advice from trusted friends or family members. They can offer an objective perspective and help you discern whether the behavior is genuinely concerning or simply outside your comfort zone. Dr. Lewandowski suggests, “ask your people what they think. For example, if you gag at literally any type of compliment, your loved ones might be able to tell the difference between your standard of cringe and what’s too much.”
Setting Boundaries and Observing Reactions
Once you’ve identified your concerns, communicate your boundaries clearly and observe the person’s reaction. For example, you could say, “Hey, I appreciate your enthusiasm, but I’m not comfortable with expensive gifts so early on.” Their response will be revealing. According to Dr. Lewandowski, “Usually people who don’t intentionally love bomb to manipulate you will change if you tell them that you don’t like how they’re treating you.” If they react defensively, become combative, or abruptly withdraw (“ghost”), it’s a significant red flag, indicating potentially manipulative intentions and incompatibility.
Conclusion
Why do people love bomb? The reasons are varied and complex, ranging from calculated manipulation to insecure attachment styles and even genuine but misguided enthusiasm. Regardless of the underlying motivation, it’s crucial to remain skeptical of excessive affection, especially early in a relationship or following a significant shift in dynamic.
If you feel unsafe or uncertain about a relationship, seeking guidance from a mental health professional is a wise step. Therapy can provide valuable insights into your feelings, help you navigate communication with the person in question, and offer support in making decisions about the relationship’s future. As Dr. Cohen advises, “Therapy can give you a better sense of what’s making you feel uneasy, if and how you can address it with the person, and how to leave a relationship if that’s what’s best for you.”
If you or someone you know is experiencing any type of abuse, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE) or 1-800-787-3224 (TTY) for anonymous, confidential help available 24/7, or visit thehotline.org.
Wondermind does not provide medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Any information published on this website or by this brand is not intended as a replacement for medical advice. Always consult a qualified health or mental health professional with any questions or concerns about your mental health.
In this Article:#Boundaries#Communication#Self-Esteem#Relationships
