Waking up in a cold sweat after dreaming about your ex can be unsettling, to say the least. Whether it’s a recent breakup or a relationship from years ago, these dreams can leave you feeling confused and wondering, “Why Do I Keep Having Dreams About My Ex?”. It’s a common experience, and if you’ve found yourself searching online for dream interpretations, you’re definitely not alone. The good news is, there are answers.
To shed light on this often perplexing phenomenon, we turned to Certified Dream Analyst Lauri Loewenberg. With decades of experience analyzing dreams, Lauri provides expert insights into why these dreams occur, what they might mean, and what you can do about them.
Is Dreaming About Your Ex Normal?
If you’re questioning the normality of dreaming about a former partner, rest assured, it’s incredibly common. Lauri Loewenberg confirms it’s one of the most frequent questions she encounters. Considering she has analyzed over 75,000 dreams since 1996, and even addressed the topic in a popular TikTok video, this speaks volumes. So, waking up at 3 a.m. wondering “Why is my ex in my dreams?” is a shared experience. “Whether it is our most recent ex or our first love from years and years ago, we all dream of our exes from time to time,” Loewenberg states, normalizing the experience.
What Does It Mean When You Dream About Your Ex?
Dreams about exes can manifest in various scenarios, each carrying its own significance. According to Loewenberg, these dreams often point to underlying issues you might be grappling with. She explains the top five reasons behind these dreams, offering fascinating interpretations of common dream scenarios:
Lingering Love
Dreams fueled by lingering love typically stem from the pain of being dumped, especially when deeply invested in the relationship. This experience can be a significant blow to self-esteem, leaving you with unanswered questions and feelings of inadequacy.
Loewenberg outlines common dreams associated with lingering love and their interpretations:
- Dreaming of getting back together with your ex: This is often a “wish fulfillment dream,” reflecting a desire to rekindle the relationship.
- Dreaming of breaking into your ex’s home: The home symbolizes their mindset, and breaking in represents a subconscious desire to understand their perspective and the reasons behind the breakup.
- Dreaming of your ex apologizing and expressing love: This dream blends wish fulfillment with a need for self-validation and reassurance after feeling rejected.
Emotional or Sexual Dissatisfaction in a Current Relationship
Particularly if the ex was a first love or the relationship was particularly passionate, dreaming about them can signal a void in your current romantic life. Even if years have passed, the subconscious may yearn for the initial excitement and spark of early love, especially if your current relationship has become predictable or lacks passion.
Loewenberg explains that a first love often becomes “imprinted into our psyche and will forever subconsciously represent love, desire, and passion.” Dreams in this category may include:
- Dreaming of having sex with your ex: This signifies a craving for passion or sexual excitement that may be missing in your current relationship.
- Dreaming of getting back together with your ex: This points to a desire to recapture the feelings of love and connection experienced in the past relationship.
- Dreaming of searching for your ex: This reflects a subconscious search for the qualities or feelings that your ex represented, which you may be missing.
- Dreaming of seeing your ex and trying to get their attention: This indicates a desire to be noticed or validated in a way that mirrors the attention you received from your ex.
- Dreaming of saving your ex from danger: This can symbolize a desire to rescue or revive the passion and excitement associated with that past relationship.
“Dreams can borrow from the past in order to warn us not to fall into old habits or situations again.”
Dissatisfaction With Current Life Circumstances
Sometimes, dreaming about an ex isn’t actually about the ex themselves. Loewenberg clarifies that people in our dreams can represent a specific period in our lives or the person we were at that time. They act as “a landmark in time.”
For example:
- Dreaming of getting back together with or having sex with an ex: This might not be about wanting the ex back, but rather a longing for who you were or the circumstances of your life when you were with them. It could indicate a desire to return to a time when you felt happier, more carefree, or more fulfilled.
Resentment or Unresolved Feelings About the Ex
If the past relationship involved betrayal, abuse, or significant emotional pain, dreams about the ex can be a manifestation of unresolved resentment or trauma. These experiences leave a lasting impact on the psyche. Loewenberg notes that if these dreams occur long after the breakup, they might signal that a current situation or person is triggering similar feelings of victimization. Dreams, in this case, can serve as a warning against repeating past patterns.
A dream example related to unresolved resentment:
- Dreaming of being yelled at or cheated on by your ex: This could indicate ongoing PTSD from the past relationship or lingering anger and self-blame for having been in that situation.
Resolved Feelings About the Ex
When feelings about an ex are genuinely resolved, dreams about them become less frequent. However, Loewenberg points out an interesting exception: dreams about abusive or “horrible exes” where the dream scenario is positive. In these cases, dreaming of being back with a difficult ex in a positive context can signify personal growth and healing. It indicates that you’ve come to terms with the past and recognized how those experiences have contributed to your strength and resilience. “We no longer have shame or distrust or anger or fear but rather have grown and accepted that part of our life as a building block into who we are now,” she explains.
When, If At All, Should You Be Concerned?
Dreaming about an ex is generally normal and shouldn’t cause alarm. However, Loewenberg advises that concern is warranted “when the dreams have become incessant for a long period of time and are negatively affecting your waking thoughts and mood.”
If ex-dreams are consistently disrupting your well-being, it’s important to analyze the emotions they evoke. Identify the feelings experienced in the dream and consider how they might relate to your current life. “Is anything going on in your life right now that is making you feel the same or similar way that you felt in the dream? If so, that is the issue your subconscious wants you to correct,” Loewenberg suggests.
“Even if dreaming about your ex sends you spiraling, remember that there is a purpose and that you can learn from it.”
If You Are In a Relationship, Should You Feel Guilty?
Dreaming about an ex while in a current relationship doesn’t automatically warrant guilt. In fact, Loewenberg suggests it can sometimes be constructive. “If you are in a relationship but have dreamed of getting back with your ex or hooking up with your ex, it doesn’t necessarily mean you want the ex back, but rather there may be something about that ex or something about the dynamic within that relationship that you would like to incorporate into your current one,” she assures. Guilt is only warranted if you find yourself consciously longing for the ex while in your current relationship, and this yearning is fueling the dreams.
So… What Should You Do If You’re Dreaming About Your Ex?
Lauri Loewenberg emphasizes that “dreams are messages from you, to you, and about you… in order to improve you.” Even when unsettling, dreams about exes offer valuable insights. The key is to decipher the message. “Once you are able to pinpoint the issue the dream is trying to shine a light on, you should definitely take action.”
For example, if the dream reveals you are carrying distrust from a past relationship into your current one, consciously work on letting go of that baggage. Loewenberg concludes, “The action you take will be specific to your issue, but it is crucial to take action and work in partnership with your dreams because they are guiding you toward becoming the best you that you can be… if you pay attention to them.” By understanding and acting upon the messages within your dreams, you can foster personal growth and improve your present and future relationships.
