We’ve all experienced it – that relentless loop in your mind, “I can’t stop thinking about them.” Love songs constantly echo this sentiment, playing it out on the radio and in our heads. It might be someone new you’re dating, an ex-lover, or even someone from just one incredible date.
Regardless of the situation, the thoughts are persistent. It can feel like an obsession, impacting your sleep, eating habits, social interactions, and daily life. This kind of mental fixation isn’t healthy. So, what’s happening in our brains when we get stuck on someone? And more importantly, how do we break free from this cycle to regain focus on ourselves and move forward?
Imagine this scenario: You connect with someone on a dating app. Messages turn into phone calls, and then you finally meet for drinks. The date is fantastic, ending with a goodnight kiss and talk of future plans. But then, the communication shifts. The constant daily texts and frequent calls dwindle to maybe just a message a day. Despite barely knowing this person, you find yourself unable to stop thinking about them.
Consider another situation: A breakup happened three months ago, catching you off guard. You’re trying to move on, but your ex insists on staying friends, sending occasional texts and liking your Instagram stories. They even came over a few weeks ago, and things got intimate. You’re left confused about their intentions – they say they don’t want to reconcile, yet their actions suggest otherwise. Despite knowing it’s over, you’re trapped in a cycle of thinking about them.
Or perhaps this: You’re in a “situationship” for months, undefined and without commitment. You see each other weekly, but sometimes days pass without contact. They avoid introducing you to friends or any public displays of affection. You desire a real relationship, but you’re hesitant to bring it up, fearing rejection. Even knowing their mixed signals likely mean they don’t want more, you’re stuck constantly thinking about them.
What’s the common thread in these scenarios that makes you obsess?
Uncertainty is the core issue.
In dating and romantic relationships, uncertainty acts like a relationship killer. This uncertainty – about someone’s feelings, the future of the connection, or the relationship’s direction – breeds anxiety, stress, and excessive overthinking about them.
Personal experience confirms this. Like many, I’ve been caught in these cycles numerous times. Each scenario described above mirrors situations I’ve personally navigated, some repeatedly.
Before diving deeper, let’s clarify a few points.
First, this discussion isn’t about the exciting, butterfly-filled obsession of a new, reciprocally amazing relationship, or a simple crush. If you’re blissfully daydreaming in the early stages of mutual romance, that’s wonderful! This article isn’t about healthy, reciprocal love. It’s about the draining overthinking that comes with unreciprocated feelings and inconsistent relationship dynamics. These are vastly different experiences.
(However, if it’s a very new relationship and intensely overwhelming, be aware of love bombing. My article, “What is Love Bombing? Warning Signs and How to Avoid It,” can offer insights.)
Second, you might question my authority to discuss relationships. While I’m not a therapist or psychologist, I am someone with extensive dating experience. Approaching 40 and currently single, my last relationship ended when my partner ended things during my pregnancy. My qualifications come from life experience, countless dates, significant self-reflection, and therapy to understand my own patterns of relationship obsession.
The key takeaway is this: anyone can become fixated in relationships, even those who have actively worked on themselves. If you’re struggling with this, remember you are not alone, and feeling this way doesn’t make you “crazy.” It’s a common human response to uncertainty.
Third, if your overthinking feels genuinely obsessive and is significantly impacting your life, please seek professional help. Talking to a therapist or counselor is a sign of strength, not weakness. Mental wellbeing is crucial, and accessible, affordable therapy should be a priority for everyone.
Let’s revisit that feeling of uncertainty.
In scenario one (the new connection), you’re left confused and hurt. The initial weeks were promising – messages, calls, a great date. What changed? Will they text again?
In scenario two (the ex), confusion and upset are also prevalent. What are their real intentions? Reconciliation or not? Why the inconsistent behavior?
Scenario three (the situationship) again generates confusion and hurt. Do they genuinely like me? Am I wasting my time? Is it just casual for them, or is there potential for more?
In each case, the common denominator is a lack of clarity. You’re unsure of the other person’s feelings, thoughts, or the relationship’s trajectory. Uncertainty piles upon uncertainty.
So, how do we cope with this uncertainty? We create narratives to fill in the blanks. We become fixated on minor details – an Instagram story view, a specific emoji. We obsess about what to do, say, or change to elicit a text, a call, or commitment. This is when overthinking spirals into an unhealthy, consuming pattern.
This leads to constant conversations with friends analyzing every detail (“Remember when they said…? Let’s break it down again”). Sleep becomes elusive, and focus at work, school, hobbies, and social life diminishes.
You might find yourself compulsively checking your phone, waiting for a message. Appetite may disappear. This mental strain can even manifest physically as stomachaches or a reluctance to leave the couch.
Overthinking is also a misguided attempt to manage anxiety. By mentally rehearsing every possible outcome, we hope to soften the blow of reality. Deep down, we often sense that the inconsistent treatment isn’t positive. This is why, when these uncertain relationships inevitably end, we often say, “I knew it was going to happen.”
Here’s a crucial question that shifted my perspective:
Do you obsessively think about your best friend, a close family member, or a trusted colleague in this way? Do they cause this level of anxiety, upset, and confusion?
Likely, the answer is no. You probably don’t dedicate this mental energy to those relationships. Why?
Because you are secure in their feelings for you. These relationships feel safe, reliable, and reciprocal. You don’t worry if they’ll text back or want to spend time with you. When love is mutual and consistent, you don’t overanalyze a simple “How’s your day going?” text.
Again, it boils down to certainty versus uncertainty. We don’t endlessly ponder the “certain” people in our lives; our overthinking is reserved for the uncertain ones.
Research on both animals and humans supports this. I explored this extensively in my article, “Hot and Cold: What is Intermittent Reinforcement in Relationships?” Intermittent reinforcement is a well-established concept in behavioral psychology, detailed by psychologists C.B. Ferster and B.F. Skinner in their 1957 book, Schedules of Reinforcement. In my article, I explain:
“Reinforcement is a basic learning principle. Dog training uses positive reinforcement: command ‘sit,’ dog sits, dog gets a treat. The dog learns to associate sitting with a reward.”
“However, continuous positive reinforcement can lead to boredom. Skinner discovered that rats pressed a lever for treats more consistently when the reward was unpredictable. Remarkably, rats became more fixated on the lever when the outcome was uncertain, even more so than when a treat was guaranteed.”
So, if we consider ourselves metaphorically as rats – bear with me – we don’t obsess over the “certain” people who consistently provide reassurance. We don’t anxiously await their predictable “treats” of affection. But the uncertain ones? We crave those inconsistent treats desperately. We’re addicted to the anticipation, the waiting. Our thoughts become consumed by the elusive “pellets,” and we feel unsettled until we receive them.
And when we do get that “pellet”? When the uncertain person finally texts back, likes an Instagram post, or suggests a date – when their feelings briefly seem certain – the dopamine surge is intense. Our brains experience a burst of fireworks, mirroring the rat’s brain when it finally gets a treat.
A single text can momentarily erase the anxiety and overthinking. Suddenly, everything seems right again. “What was I even worried about? Of course, they were going to text! They were just busy!” Until, inevitably, the next period of confusion, lack of contact, or ignored calls… and the cycle repeats.
Another aspect of this overthinking is often a fear of direct communication. We hesitate to ask about their feelings, fearing we’ll scare them away. This fear itself signals uncertainty. We don’t worry about open communication scaring away “certain” people like close friends or family. Healthy, secure relationships thrive on open emotional expression.
Unfortunately, some of us become accustomed to this rollercoaster of romantic relationships – the intermittent dopamine highs followed by the lows of self-doubt. A “certain,” stable relationship can even feel “too easy,” almost boring. This relates to attachment theory, a topic for another article – I have extensive thoughts on attachment theory, particularly anxious attachment, which I’ve personally worked to heal over the past years.
In brief, if you’re dating someone who is consistently showing they are certain about you (regular texts and calls, consistent plans, clear expressions of interest), yet you still experience anxiety and negative overthinking, you might be dealing with anxious or avoidant attachment styles. I highly recommend reading “Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller,” a truly insightful book on dating and relationships.
So, we now understand why we negatively obsess: uncertainty. These relationships lack safety and consistency, and often happiness. They aren’t reciprocal. Science explains our brain’s addiction to these patterns, despite knowing they’re unhealthy. We’re hooked on intermittent dopamine spikes and confused by breadcrumbs of affection.
Now what? Having identified the cause of our obsession and why we can’t stop thinking about someone, what’s the solution?
The blunt truth, and perhaps the key takeaway, is this: if you are constantly thinking about someone and it makes you feel bad, the situation itself is the problem. A healthy, positive relationship shouldn’t evoke this kind of distress.
I frequently reference the article “Fuck Yes or No” because it offers invaluable relationship advice. As Mark Manson states, “If you’re in the grey area from the start, you’ve already lost.” Mixed signals and uncertainty about someone’s feelings inevitably lead to anguish, anxiety, and overthinking. Common dating wisdom holds true: if they genuinely like you, you will know it.
Of course, simply deciding to “stop thinking about them” isn’t a magic solution. But there are steps to alleviate the pain and redirect your focus back to yourself.
First, identify the problem. Hopefully, this article has provided some clarity. If constant thoughts about someone make you feel negative, and you’re afraid to express your feelings to them, it’s highly likely they are not a secure, consistent presence in your life. This realization can be difficult, especially if you’ve been involved with this person for a while. Recognizing the unhealthy nature of your overthinking is crucial, particularly if it’s affecting your well-being in other areas of life.
Second, focus on the qualities you do want in a partner. Remind yourself that you deserve someone who matches your energy, who wants to be with you and communicates this clearly through words and actions. You deserve someone who texts consistently, makes consistent plans, and doesn’t leave you perpetually confused or anxious. You deserve someone who makes you feel good most of the time!
The bottom line: stop pursuing people who are emotionally unavailable or offer only minimal effort. Forget the breadcrumbs; you deserve the whole feast.
Third, analyze the content of your obsessive thoughts. Overthinking the overthinking? Yes, let’s do it. Often, we’re idealizing a version of the person, not the actual individual. With all due respect to them, are they truly worth this level of mental energy?! We tend to place them on a pedestal, imagining future scenarios and an idealized relationship. Thoughts like, “I’ll never find anyone like them again,” or “I’ll never feel this way again!” might creep in.
And you know what? You probably won’t meet someone exactly like them again. And feeling this specific type of turmoil again is not desirable. The goal is to avoid repeating patterns of uncertainty and anxiety.
Take them off the pedestal. They are just a person, with both good and bad qualities. A significant negative quality is their inability to make you feel safe, secure, and happy consistently. Moments of happiness might occur, but they are fleeting and overshadowed by anxiety. The right person will create consistent feelings of safety, security, and happiness, whether you’re with them or simply thinking about them. They will be enthusiastic about spending time with you and communicating; you won’t have to constantly seek validation of their affection.
It’s challenging when you’re caught in the cycle, especially if they’ve been in your life for a while. But try to envision someone who is a much better fit for you. If you feel this intensely about someone who isn’t meeting your needs, imagine how incredible it will be with someone who does! Anticipate that healthy, fulfilling relationship.
Fourth, and most challenging, seek clarity. Eliminate the uncertainty. If self-reflection isn’t enough, seek honest perspectives from trusted friends, family, or a therapist. They likely have already formed opinions about how this person is treating you and can offer valuable clarity.
Then, when you’re ready, communicate directly with the person. It’s daunting, but essential to stop the overthinking.
In the first scenario (initial enthusiasm followed by inconsistent behavior), tough love is needed. You’ve only known this person briefly. While online dating can be challenging, and initial excitement is understandable, inconsistent behavior now is a red flag for future interactions.
Consider sending a text like: “Hey, I’m feeling confused about where we stand and your feelings. Honest communication is important to me in dating, so I’m being direct: I’d like to see you again, but I need clarity. Let me know if you’re interested in another date, or if it’s best for me to move on.”
Yes, this text is scary. But the right person won’t be scared off by honest communication. Regardless of their response (or lack thereof – remember, silence is an answer, as discussed in my article, “On Ghosting (and What to Do if it Happens to You)”), you gain clarity. While hoping for romance, initial inconsistency often suggests they are not the right match. Clarity is key. (I’m also writing an article about the importance of pacing in new relationships, which I’ll link here soon.)
If texting feels too direct, inaction is another option. If you can find closure and move on without direct communication, that’s also valid. You might not hear from them again, but that’s acceptable – they were likely hindering your progress anyway.
In the second scenario (confusion with an ex), tough love is again necessary. I advocate for no-contact with exes. Healing is difficult when still actively communicating, seeing, or being intimate with them. Even social media interaction can be detrimental (muting them can be helpful). Friendship might be possible eventually, but initially, they are hindering your healing and potentially preventing you from meeting someone new who offers consistency.
Overthinking an ex often involves romanticizing the past, focusing on positive aspects while minimizing the negatives. Allow yourself to grieve the loss of the relationship and the idealized version of your ex. Recognize that moving on opens space for healthier connections. My article, “On Being Dumped, or, Why I’m Glad That Guy Dumped Me,” might offer support.
If you are in no-contact but still overthink, time is your ally. Eventually, you’ll be able to recall positive memories without sadness. My experience with a difficult breakup in London led to the article, “How to Get Over a Tough Breakup,” which may provide guidance.
In the third scenario (situationship), tough love applies again! If you desire a committed relationship with this person, you must voice it. The worst outcome is a “no.” Then you face a choice: continue in a casual arrangement that fuels obsession, or end it and seek someone with aligned relationship goals.
Initiate the “what are we” conversation. While daunting, open communication with the right person is positive. If a simple conversation about relationship desires is impossible, they aren’t a secure partner for you. Hopefully, they reciprocate your desire for commitment, but you won’t know without asking. (I’m also writing an article about why I’m done with situationships, which I’ll link here when completed!)
While these scenarios are specific, the core advice – seeking clarity – applies broadly to any situation causing negative overthinking about someone, even in long-term relationships. Unhealthy, consuming overthinking almost always stems from uncertainty. Clarity is the path to resolution.
This is understandably frightening. But from personal experience, gaining clarity, regardless of the answer, brings immense relief.
Even if the answer is unfavorable – they don’t want a relationship (or can’t fully commit, which is essentially the same) – you can then process that known information and begin healing. Heartbreak is painful, but healing can begin without the added burden of mind games and uncertainty.
Other strategies to manage overthinking: engage in activities. Walk the dog, garden, watch a movie. Reconnect with hobbies – yoga, cooking, hiking, crafts. While distraction isn’t a complete solution (processing emotions is crucial), it offers mental respite.
You might think, “Brenna, you’ve mastered this! You’re so confident, you must never overthink anymore.”
Actually, no. Scenario one – the promising start followed by inconsistency – recently happened to me. It inspired this article. It was unsettling, even with self-awareness, because I’m human. Even with knowledge and self-work, these patterns can resurface, and that’s okay. Allow yourself grace to experience the spectrum of emotions in dating, including anxiety and overthinking.
What I am proud of is limiting the duration of the overthinking. I quickly reminded myself of idealization, deserving better, and the need for clarity. I sent a text (the example text provided earlier), and he responded promptly, apologizing and stating he wasn’t ready for a relationship. It might have meant “not ready for a relationship with me,” but the instant relief was palpable. I could move forward, free from the anxiety that was consuming my energy.
If you’re distressed by constant thoughts about someone, I empathize. It’s overwhelming, but it’s temporary. Healing is possible, starting with seeking clarity. The right person will welcome honesty and vulnerability. Support from friends, family, and therapists can also provide clarity, as they often perceive the truth before we do.
Remember: “certain” people in your life don’t cause constant confusion and worry. You deserve someone who provides safety, security, and happiness. You deserve clarity and consistency in communication and interaction in romantic relationships. You’ve got this.
Have you experienced obsessive thoughts about someone? What helped you move on? Share your experiences in the comments below.
