It’s a tale as old as time, isn’t it? You can’t stop thinking about him. Tune into almost any popular song, and you’ll hear this very sentiment echoing through the lyrics, a recurring theme on the airwaves. Maybe it’s the guy you’re casually seeing, an ex who still lingers in your mind, or perhaps someone you shared just one unforgettable date with.
Regardless of the specifics, the persistent loop in your head is the same: him. It can feel all-consuming, even a little obsessive. This constant mental replay might start to seep into other areas of your life, disrupting your sleep, appetite, social interactions, and overall well-being. And let’s be honest, that’s not a healthy place to be. So, what exactly is happening within our brains when we find ourselves in this mental maze? And, more importantly, how can we interrupt this unhealthy thought process, reclaim our focus, and move forward with our lives, prioritizing ourselves once again?
Imagine this scenario: You connect with someone on a dating app. Messages are exchanged, numbers are swapped, and then come the phone calls and texts. Finally, you meet for drinks, and it’s a fantastic date. A goodnight kiss is shared, and you both talk about the potential for a next time. But then, days later, the communication becomes…sporadic. The initial flurry of daily texts and frequent calls dwindles to a single text per day, if you’re lucky. Despite barely knowing this person, he’s constantly on your mind.
Consider another situation: Your relationship ended three months ago, unexpectedly. You’re trying to move on, but your ex, claiming to want friendship, occasionally texts or likes your Instagram stories. A few weeks back, he even came over, and things became intimate. You’re left in a fog, unsure of his intentions. Does he want to reconcile, or not? He says no, but his actions suggest otherwise. Even knowing that exes are exes for a reason, you can’t stop thinking about him.
One more scenario? You’re in a “situationship” with someone for months – a relationship with no clear boundaries, definitions, or commitment. You see each other weekly, sometimes going days without contact. He avoids introducing you to friends or any public displays of affection. You desire more – a committed relationship – but are hesitant to voice it, fearing rejection. Despite the hot and cold dynamic, and knowing deep down that if he wanted more, he likely wouldn’t be so inconsistent, you still can’t stop thinking about him.
What’s the Common Thread in These Situations? Uncertainty.
In the realm of dating and romance, uncertainty is often the enemy. Whether it’s uncertainty about someone’s feelings, whether you’ll see them again, or the direction and potential outcome of the relationship, it breeds anxiety, stress, and that unhealthy loop of overthinking.
Believe me, I understand. I’ve been caught in this cycle more times than I’d like to admit, and these scenarios are drawn from my own dating experiences over the years (some repeated more than once).
Before we delve deeper, let’s clarify a few key points.
Firstly, this isn’t about the joyful, early-relationship butterflies and excitement, the “everything is amazing and I can’t stop thinking about him because I’m so happy and in love” kind of obsession. If you’re happily daydreaming in the glow of mutual romance, that’s fantastic! This article isn’t about reciprocal and consistent love. It addresses the opposite: unreciprocated feelings and the confusion of inconsistent behavior in a relationship. These are vastly different forms of “overthinking.”
(However, if it’s a very new relationship and feels overwhelmingly intense, be aware of love bombing. You might find my article, “What is Love Bombing? Warning Signs and How to Avoid It,” helpful.)
Secondly, you might be wondering about my credentials to discuss dating and relationships. Well, full disclosure: I’m approaching 40, single, not a therapist, and my psychology background is limited to a single undergraduate course. My last relationship ended when my partner ended things during my pregnancy. So, yes, I’m just someone with a lot of dating experience, hard-earned lessons, and countless hours of therapy dedicated to understanding my own tendencies toward relationship obsession.
And that’s the crucial point. Obsessive thoughts in relationships can affect anyone, even those who’ve done significant self-work. If you take away one message from this, let it be this: you’re not alone, and you’re not “crazy” for feeling this way. It’s a very human response to uncertainty.
Thirdly, if you feel your overthinking is becoming truly obsessive and negatively impacting your life, please consider seeking professional help. Talking to a therapist, counselor, or trusted individual is a sign of strength, not weakness. Therapy should be accessible and affordable for everyone, as it’s vital for our mental well-being.
Let’s revisit that feeling of uncertainty.
In scenario one – the new person – confusion and upset are dominant emotions. Weeks of promising communication and a great date – what went wrong? Will they text again?
In scenario two – the ex – again, confusion and upset reign. What is happening? Does he want to get back together, or not? Why the mixed signals?
Scenario three – the situationship – more of the same: confusion and upset. Does he actually like me? Am I wasting my time? Casual intimacy, but is commitment even on the table?
In each case, you’re in the dark. You don’t know his feelings or thoughts, and the outcome of the situation remains a mystery. Uncertainty piled upon uncertainty.
So, what’s the response? We create narratives to fill the void of information. We obsess over minor details – an Instagram story view, a specific emoji. We fixate on our actions, words, and potential changes we can make to elicit a text, a call, a desire to be with us. This is when overthinking becomes unhealthy and all-consuming.
It manifests in constant conversations with friends about him (“Did I tell you about when he said…? Oh, I did? Well, let’s analyze it again”). Sleep becomes elusive as your mind races. Focus on work, studies, hobbies, and social life diminishes.
You might find yourself glued to your phone, waiting for his message. Appetite might disappear, even after a full day without eating. These mental anxieties can even manifest physically, causing stomachaches or a reluctance to leave the couch.
Overthinking is partly a coping mechanism for anxiety. By mentally rehearsing every possible scenario, we try to lessen the shock when reality unfolds. Deep down, we often sense that the inconsistent treatment isn’t positive. That’s why, when these unhealthy connections inevitably end, we often say, “I knew this would happen.”
Here’s a question that was a turning point for me:
Do you obsess over your best friend in this way? What about a cherished family member, a favorite coworker, or another constant figure in your life? Do they trigger this level of anxiety, upset, and confusion?
The answer is likely no. You probably don’t dedicate this much mental energy to your friends, family, or close colleagues. Why?
Because you know where you stand with them. Those relationships feel safe, secure, reciprocal, and consistent. You don’t worry about them texting back or wanting to see you. When love is mutual and consistent, a simple “how’s your day?” text doesn’t trigger overthinking.
Again, it boils down to certainty versus uncertainty. We don’t endlessly analyze the “certain” people. Our overthinking is reserved for the uncertain ones.
Numerous studies on both animals and humans explore why we react this way. I discussed this extensively in my article, “Hot and Cold: What is Intermittent Reinforcement in Relationships?” Intermittent reinforcement is a well-established concept in behavioral psychology, as outlined in Schedules of Reinforcement by psychologists C.B. Ferster and B.F. Skinner in 1957. In my article, I explained:
“We understand how reinforcement works. Dog training uses positive reinforcement. “Sit,” the dog sits, treat given. The dog learns the sit-treat connection and obeys.
But here’s the twist: continuous positive reinforcement can lead to boredom. B.F. Skinner found that rats pressed a lever for treats more consistently when the treat delivery was unpredictable. Wild, right? Rats became more obsessed with the lever when the outcome was uncertain, even more than with guaranteed treats.”
So, if we humorously apply this to ourselves – as “rats” in the dating game – we don’t fixate on the “certain” people, the consistent sources of “treats” (affection, attention). But the uncertain ones? We crave those unpredictable “treats,” anxiously waiting. Our thoughts become consumed by these elusive “pellets,” and peace feels unattainable until we receive them.
And when a “pellet” arrives – a text back, an Instagram like, an invitation to hang out, a fleeting moment of certainty from the uncertain person – dopamine floods our brains. Fireworks erupt, mirroring the rat’s brain when a treat is dispensed.
Suddenly, with a single text, the anxiety and overthinking vanish. All is right again. What were we even worried about? Of course, he was going to text! He was just busy for days! Until, inevitably, the next wave of confusion, the next period of silence, the next ignored call… and the cycle repeats.
Another element fueling overthinking is often a lack of confidence to directly ask about his feelings, fearing we’ll scare him away. This fear itself reinforces the “uncertain” nature of the connection. We wouldn’t hesitate to discuss emotions with a “certain” person like a close friend or family member. Healthy relationships allow for open communication about feelings.
For some, this rollercoaster dynamic – the intermittent dopamine spikes followed by the lows of “does he even like me?” – becomes normalized. A “certain” relationship can even feel “boring” in comparison. This ties into attachment theory, a topic for another article (I have much to say on attachment theory, having personally navigated anxious attachment for years).
But briefly, if you’re dating someone who is consistently certain (consistent communication, regular plans, verbal and behavioral expressions of interest), yet anxiety and negative overthinking persist, you might be experiencing anxious or avoidant attachment. “Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller” is a highly recommended resource on this topic.
So, we now understand the “why” behind obsessive thoughts: uncertainty. These relationships lack safety and consistency, often bringing more unhappiness than joy. Science explains the addictive nature of these dynamics – the dopamine rush from intermittent validation keeps us hooked, even when we know it’s unhealthy.
Now what? Knowing why we obsess, how do we stop?
Brace yourself for some potentially unwelcome truth: If you can’t stop thinking about someone, and it’s making you feel bad… that’s a significant sign. You shouldn’t feel this way about someone who is truly good for you.
I often refer to “Fuck Yes or No” because it’s an excellent relationship article. Mark Manson writes, “If you’re in the grey area to begin with, you’ve already lost.” Mixed signals and uncertainty about someone’s feelings inevitably lead to anguish and overthinking. As the saying goes, “If they like you, you’ll know.”
Of course, it’s not as simple as flipping a switch. We can’t just decide to stop thinking about him and instantly move on. But there are steps to ease the pain and refocus on ourselves.
Step 1: Identify the Problem. Hopefully, this article has helped. If constant thoughts of him are making you unhappy, and you’re afraid to ask about his feelings, he’s likely not a safe, consistent presence in your life. This can be hard to accept, even with someone you’ve been involved with for a long time. Recognizing the unhealthy overthinking and its impact on your life is crucial.
Step 2: Focus on Your Desired Partner. Constantly remind yourself of the kind of person you do want and deserve. Someone who aligns with your energy, who wants to be with you, and shows it through words and actions. Someone who communicates consistently, makes plans, and doesn’t leave you in constant confusion or anxiety. You deserve someone who makes you feel good, not bad, most of the time! Stop chasing those who are emotionally unavailable or offer only breadcrumbs of affection. You deserve the whole feast.
Step 3: Re-evaluate Your Obsession. Consider what you’re actually thinking about. Often, it’s an idealized version of him, not the real person. Is he really worth this much mental energy? You’ve likely placed him on a pedestal, imagining future scenarios and an unattainable “never-again” feeling.
Recognize this idealization. He’s just a person, with flaws. His major flaw? He’s not making you feel safe, secure, or consistently happy. Brief moments of happiness aren’t enough if they’re overshadowed by anxiety. The right person will provide consistent safety, security, and happiness, whether present or just in your thoughts. He should be excited to connect with you, making you feel wanted and loved without constant effort on your part.
Imagine someone better suited for you. If you feel this strongly about someone who isn’t meeting your needs, imagine how incredible it will be with someone who does! Anticipate that healthy, fulfilling relationship.
Step 4: Seek Clarity. Abolish the uncertainty. If self-clarity is elusive, seek external perspectives – friends, family, or a therapist. They likely see the situation more objectively.
Then, if you’re ready, talk to him directly. It’s daunting, but necessary to break the cycle of overthinking.
For the “new dating situation” scenario, give yourself tough love. It’s a short-term connection. If he’s inconsistent now, it’s unlikely to improve.
Send a text seeking clarity: “Hey, I’m confused about your intentions and feelings. Honesty and communication are important to me in dating. I’d like to see you again, but I need clarity to either move forward or move on.”
It’s a scary text, but the right person won’t be scared off. And you’ll get an answer, even silence is an answer (see my article, “On Ghosting (and What to Do if it Happens to You)”). Someone flaky early on is unlikely to be “the one.” But clarity is the goal. (I’m also writing an article on taking things slow in new relationships, which I’ll link here soon).
If texting feels too direct, doing nothing is an option if you can find closure independently. You may not hear from him, but that’s okay – he was likely hindering your progress anyway.
For the “ex-partner” scenario, tough love again. No-contact is crucial for healing. Continued contact, even social media, hinders recovery. Mute or unfollow if needed. Friendship might be possible later, but not now. He’s preventing healing and potentially blocking new, healthier connections.
When overthinking an ex, we often romanticize the past, remembering only the good. Grieve the loss of the idealized version and the companionship, but recognize you can move to better relationships. The love of your life won’t string you along with confusion and anxiety. My article, “On Being Dumped, or, Why I’m Glad That Guy Dumped Me,” might offer comfort.
If no-contact is in place but thoughts persist, time is your ally. Eventually, good memories will be less painful. My article “How to Get Over a Tough Breakup” might help.
In the “situationship” scenario, more tough love. If you desire a relationship, speak up. The worst outcome is a “no.” Then, weigh your options: continue with uncertainty and obsession, or end it and open yourself to a relationship that aligns with your desires.
Initiate the “what are we?” conversation. With the right person, discussing your desires won’t be negative. If you can’t have this conversation, he’s not a safe, secure partner. He might reciprocate your feelings, but you won’t know until you ask. (I’m also writing an article about situationships soon).
Clarity is the answer across all these scenarios.
To stop overthinking, seek clarity. If you can’t find it alone, with friends, or in therapy, ask him directly about his intentions. Be honest with yourself and him about your desires.
While these scenarios are specific, this advice applies broadly to negative overthinking in relationships, even long-term ones. Unhealthy obsession almost always involves uncertainty, and clarity is the path through it.
It’s scary, but getting an answer, good or bad, brings immense relief.
Even a negative answer allows you to process reality and heal without the mind games and uncertainty.
Other coping tips? Engage in activities. Walk the dog, garden, see a movie, revisit hobbies – yoga, cooking, hiking, embroidery. Don’t fully distract yourself from emotions, but give your brain a break from the constant loop.
“Brenna,” you might think, “you’ve got this figured out! You must never overthink now.”
Nope. The “new dating situation” scenario? Just happened to me, inspiring this article. It still affected me, despite self-work, because I’m human. Even with knowledge and self-awareness, it can still happen, and that’s okay. Be kind to yourself through the emotional rollercoaster of dating, including occasional anxiety and overthinking.
My progress? I didn’t let overthinking linger. I quickly recognized the pedestal, reminded myself I deserved better, and sought clarity. I sent that text message, and he replied quickly, apologizing and stating he wasn’t ready for a relationship. It might have meant “not with me,” but instant relief followed. I could move forward, freeing energy for work, family, and friends.
If you’re struggling with obsessive thoughts, I understand. It’s consuming, but it won’t last forever. Healing is possible. Start by seeking clarity. The right person will welcome honesty, vulnerability, and open communication. Friends, family, and therapists offer valuable clarity, often seeing the truth before we do.
Remember, “certain” people don’t cause constant confusion and worry. You deserve someone who provides safety, security, and happiness. You deserve clarity and consistency in communication and interactions. You’ve got this.
Have you experienced obsessive thoughts about someone? What helped you move on?
