In the whirlwind of high school, friendships can feel as solid as a rock, until they suddenly crumble. I experienced this firsthand with my own trio – Marlene, Susan, and myself. We were inseparable, until Susan abruptly ended our connection without explanation. Marlene, caught in the middle, remained friends with Susan, leaving me completely isolated. This sudden exclusion by someone so central to my life was devastating. However, my conversations with over eighty girls and women, aged 9 to 97, for my book on friendship revealed a stark truth: friendship cutoffs are a surprisingly common and painful experience. Ghosting, too, is a frequent phenomenon in the landscape of modern friendships.
The stories I heard were filled with the sting of both being cut off and delivering the cut. The most heartbreaking accounts often revolved around middle school and high school cliques, where social exile can feel particularly brutal. Interestingly, the act of cutting someone off often haunted not just the excluded, but also those who did the excluding. Annie, for example, a woman I interviewed, still carries regret and shame for her silence when her friend group ostracized one member in tenth grade. “I went along with it, even though I wasn’t the one who started it,” Annie confessed. “And we had been very, very close friends.”
Two women having a serious conversation outside
Alt text: Two friends in deep conversation outdoors, highlighting the complexities and seriousness of female friendships and potential conflicts.
The Mystery of the Unspoken Reason
A common thread in the narratives of those cut off was the bewildering lack of explanation. They were left to grapple with the “why,” often in silence. Conversely, those who initiated the cutoff usually had a clear reason. Linda shared a story about a friend who overstayed her welcome. What was meant to be a short stay stretched into months. When Linda finally asked her friend to leave, she was met not with gratitude, but with anger. “If your boyfriend moves in,” the friend retorted, “you’ll probably kick him out after a few months, too!” Linda ended the friendship then and there.
Often, a seemingly sudden cutoff isn’t about one isolated incident. It’s frequently the culmination of simmering frustrations. A college student recalled a high school friend who was “hilarious and fun to be around,” but whose humor often had a sharp, hurtful edge. “Her jokes were often barbed and made me feel terrible,” the student explained. “It just kind of built up. I didn’t want to keep enduring it.” The final cutoff, though it might seem abrupt, was the breaking point of accumulated discomfort.
The Inadequacy Factor
Recurring themes emerged when people described their reasons for ending friendships. “She made me feel inadequate and intimidated, constantly correcting my grammar and one-upping me.” Another described a friend who “did a number on me, made me feel inadequate, awkward, unattractive.” Yet another echoed, “She made me feel inadequate and depressed.” The word “inadequate” is a powerful common denominator, tapping into a universal fear of not being good enough. This very fear also intensifies the pain of being ghosted.
Why Choose Silence Over Explanation?
Why do some people opt for a clean cut, offering no explanation? One key reason is avoidance of confrontation. Explaining the reasons behind a cutoff can open a dialogue, implying a willingness to resolve the issues. However, when someone has decided to end the friendship, they are often not seeking reconciliation.
There’s another, perhaps deeper, reason rooted in discomfort with negativity. Many find it difficult to express negative feelings directly. Instead, hurts are internalized, accumulating until they become overwhelming. One person described this as “stamp collecting.” Each unaddressed issue, each swallowed hurt, is like a stamp collected in a book. When the book is full, it’s slammed shut, and the friendship is abruptly ended. Ghosting, in this context, is the ultimate act of non-confrontation, a way to end things without uttering a single negative word.
Sometimes, It’s Not About You
For those left wondering, “Why Am I So Quick To Cut Friends Off?” or agonizing over what they might have done to deserve being cut off, there’s a crucial insight: sometimes, it’s not about you at all. One woman found relief decades later when a friend who had vanished reappeared and explained she had been going through a difficult period and had withdrawn from everyone.
Another woman reflected on her own past pattern of cutting off friends, admitting she used to pursue friendships intensely, then feel overwhelmed by the intimacy she had created and abruptly retreat. In some cases, the reasons for cutoffs can be unjust and reflect poorly on the person initiating it. Annie recalled that the friend group’s target “was good at every sport and cute.” Sadly, it’s a common, albeit disheartening, phenomenon for girls and women to reject those who stand out, labeling them as “stuck up” or “a snob,” driven by their own insecurities or jealousy.
External Pressures and Misunderstandings
Sometimes, the decision to end a friendship isn’t even made by either friend. External forces, like disapproving parents or guardians, can demand a cutoff. Adults might disapprove of a friend, or, perhaps subconsciously, feel envious and displaced by the strong bond, leading them to interfere and demand an end to the friendship.
This, surprisingly, was the case with my friend Susan. For years, I had tried to reconnect with her, desperate to understand why our friendship ended. With the help of a friend skilled in online searches, I finally found Susan through her brother. Fifty-four years after our last conversation, I was on the phone with her. Her first words revealed the truth: it was her older brother, feeling I had too much influence, who had insisted she end our friendship. Looking back, Susan believed it was rooted in jealousy. The revelation was heartbreaking for both of us, a friendship lost to a misunderstanding and external interference.
Friendship: Choice and Chance
One of the beautiful aspects of friendship is choice – we select our friends, unlike family. But this freedom also means friendships can end, by choice or circumstance. If you’ve experienced a friendship cutoff, remember you are not alone. It’s a common pain, and often, as in Susan’s case, it has little to do with your actions. Sometimes, a friendship cutoff can even be a strange testament to the depth and importance of the bond that was once shared.
Deborah Tannen is a linguistics professor at Georgetown University and the author of You’re the Only One I Can Tell: Inside the Language of Women’s Friendships
