If you’re finding yourself caught in an endless loop of “what ifs” and struggling to make even simple choices, you’re not alone.
By Laura Hanrahan
Scale weighing two options, coffee or cocktail
Image alt text: A balanced scale weighing the pros and cons of choosing between coffee and a cocktail, symbolizing the struggle of indecisive decision-making.
The moment a camp counselor pointed out my indecisiveness in seventh grade is etched in my memory. Asked to choose three words to describe myself, my mind became a battlefield of options. Nice? Too generic. Loving? Too sentimental. Athletic? Maybe, but was it truly a defining trait? My inability to decide finally prompted the counselor’s insightful suggestion: “How about indecisive?”
The term was new to me, but the explanation – someone who struggles to make decisions effectively or promptly – resonated deeply. My life had been a series of delayed choices, from agonizing over clothing purchases in stores to constructing elaborate pro-con lists for significant life decisions and seeking opinions from everyone around me. Sound familiar?
It turns out, this struggle is surprisingly common. Research indicates that approximately 20% of adults grapple with indecisiveness. Contrary to the notion that it’s an innate personality trait, indecision, or what experts term “decisional procrastination,” is largely considered a learned behavior. It’s not in your genes, nor is it written in the stars if you’re a Libra.
Decoding Indecisiveness: What Fuels Our Inability to Decide?
“It’s an adaptive strategy,” explains Dr. Joseph Ferrari, a psychology professor at DePaul University, although he acknowledges it’s ultimately an unhelpful one. The origins of indecisiveness are complex and not fully understood by researchers. While a definitive single cause remains elusive, Dr. Ferrari referenced a 1994 study he conducted focusing on a small group of college women. This research suggested a correlation between indecisiveness and having an authoritarian father – the kind of parent who dictates choices with phrases like, “As long as you live under my roof, you’ll do what I say.” The theory proposes that such environments can teach children that their choices lead to negative consequences, making decision avoidance seem like a safer path. This resonated with my own experiences.
However, it’s crucial to remember this is just one study involving a limited sample. Childhood upbringing is not the sole determinant of indecisiveness. It’s also significantly linked to higher levels of neuroticism. Neuroticism is characterized by a tendency to experience negative emotions such as anxiety, depression, self-doubt, and overall negativity. Individuals with a neurotic disposition often perceive the world through a negative lens, impacting various situations, including decision-making. Delaying or avoiding decisions becomes a coping mechanism to manage these negative emotions and the associated discomfort. Further research connects both neuroticism and indecisiveness to anxiety, which intuitively makes sense. When anxiety and self-doubt are prominent, making choices feels overwhelmingly difficult.
Indecisiveness can also serve as a shield against responsibility or blame. Imagine letting a friend choose a movie for a group outing, as Dr. Ferrari illustrates. If the movie disappoints, you avoid the spotlight of responsibility and questions like, “Why did you pick this?” because you weren’t the one who made the selection.
Dr. Ferrari’s explanation triggered a wave of self-recognition. I recalled countless group chat messages seeking outfit opinions before dates, endlessly asking my mother to make job offer decisions for me, and defaulting to “anything is fine” when choosing movies to avoid potential disapproval and discomfort if others disliked my choice.
The Paradox of Choice and the Fear of Regret
The fear of making the wrong choice is a heavy burden for indecisive individuals. Interestingly, research indicates that when forced to decide, indecisive people often limit their information intake, according to Dr. Ferrari. For example, someone indecisive shopping for a car might consciously avoid extensive research to prevent feeling overwhelmed by options. “It sounds like the indecisive was being very strategic and didn’t overload themselves,” Dr. Ferrari notes, adding, “But…they didn’t make an informed decision. They made an easier decision.” Conversely, when indecisive individuals do engage in thorough research, it frequently spirals into endless analysis and decisional procrastination.
This pattern of overthinking and delaying resonates deeply. Beyond the wasted time, the consequences often outweigh those of a quicker, albeit potentially less perfect, decision. Just recently, while planning a trip, my weeks-long deliberation over train times resulted in significantly inflated ticket prices.
Financial loss is just one of the many negative repercussions of chronic indecisiveness. Psychologists Dr. Martin Seif and Dr. Sally Winston, in their book Overcoming Anticipatory Anxiety, highlight that persistent indecisiveness can lead to missed opportunities and significant life setbacks. From chronic lateness due to decision paralysis to an inability to settle on crucial life choices like finding the right home, indecision can significantly impair life progress and satisfaction.
Breaking Free from Indecision: Strategies for Decisive Action
The key to overcoming indecisiveness lies in developing the ability to process information effectively and recognizing when you have gathered enough to make a decision. This is often easier said than done, but actionable steps can empower indecisive individuals to become more confident decision-makers. Contrary to common misconceptions, time management techniques are not the primary solution. As Dr. Ferrari points out in his book Still Procrastinating?, procrastinators excel at making excuses, rendering productivity hacks largely ineffective for addressing the root of indecision.
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) offers a promising approach. CBT is a therapeutic technique focused on modifying thought patterns and behaviors. One helpful CBT exercise involves journaling about past decisions, but not just the isolated choice itself. Dr. Ferrari emphasizes the importance of documenting the context surrounding the decision – the events leading up to it and the outcomes that followed. “This way they can document and see that when they made the decision, the world didn’t end and life went on.” This process helps to challenge the catastrophic thinking that often fuels indecisiveness.
Pro-con lists, a common tool for decision-making, can become another source of paralysis for the indecisive. If your pro-con lists stretch for pages without bringing clarity, it’s time to refine the approach. Dr. Ferrari suggests evaluating the values associated with each item on your list. “Maybe one side is shorter than the other, but the things that you listed were much more important to you than the things on the longer end.” This value-based assessment can cut through the noise and highlight the most meaningful factors.
When research becomes a rabbit hole, try to manage it in smaller, controlled bursts. If studying a restaurant menu for 30 minutes before meeting friends provides comfort, allow yourself that time, but consciously narrow down your options to a few choices. Recognize when research becomes counterproductive, like endlessly comparing movie reviews and missing showtimes or app-hopping for ride-shares and encountering surge pricing due to delayed booking.
If you find yourself in a decision-making spin cycle, acknowledge that more information is not always better. Learn to recognize when you’ve reached information saturation and trust your gut. Only you can determine your personal “enough,” Dr. Ferrari stresses. If pinpointing that point feels impossible, remember that most decisions are not life-or-death scenarios. If this perspective remains difficult to internalize, seeking guidance from a therapist can be beneficial.
Once a decision is made (celebrate that victory!), resist the urge to second-guess it. Avoid revisiting vacation deals after booking or dwelling on “what ifs.”
Finally, internalize the reality that most decisions in life lack a definitively “right” or “wrong” answer. A job that feels overwhelming after six months might seem like a “wrong” choice, but you can’t foresee the opportunities it might unlock or the challenges the alternative path would have presented. Indecisive individuals often operate under the pressure of making the perfect choice every time, an unrealistic and paralyzing expectation. Dr. Ferrari points out that even successful people make mistakes. Embrace imperfection and allow yourself to make choices without the fear of failure.
If indecisiveness is significantly impacting your life and relationships, seeking professional help from a mental health expert is a valuable step. While it might seem unusual to seek therapy for indecision, a therapist can help identify the underlying thoughts and behaviors that perpetuate this pattern, empowering you to regain control and live more decisively.
Wondermind is not a provider of medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. The content on this website is for informational purposes only and should not be considered a substitute for professional medical advice. Always consult with a qualified healthcare provider for any health concerns or before making any decisions related to your health or treatment.
In this Article: #Depression #Therapy #Stress #Family #Parenting #Procrastination #Anxiety
