“Tell me why.”
In the aftermath of baby loss, these three words echo in the minds of grieving parents. It’s a primal scream for understanding, a desperate plea for a reason amidst the unbearable pain. When a pregnancy ends prematurely, the longing to know why consumes you. You search for answers, any answers, to make sense of the senseless. Why did this happen? Why my baby? How can I prevent this agony from recurring? The specifics become irrelevant; the need to understand the cause of your baby’s death becomes paramount.
But often, the universe offers no explanation. Silence descends, leaving you adrift in a sea of unanswered questions. In this void of information, self-blame creeps in. You turn inwards, scrutinizing every action, every thought, searching for a justification, a reason, someone to hold accountable – and often, that someone becomes yourself.
“It’s because I shared the news too early.”
“I dared to believe this pregnancy would last.”
“I browsed baby clothes, tempting fate.”
“That trip to Rhodes at six weeks must have been the cause.”
These are just a few of the self-recriminations that plagued my thoughts after experiencing baby loss.
When we first lost a baby, the explanations offered were vague and dismissive: “It’s just one of those things,” and “miscarriage is common, especially in first pregnancies.” While simplistic, these phrases, in a strange way, initially helped me move forward. After the birth of my daughter, Little Miss H, the need for a reason seemed to fade.
However, years later, as we faced three further heartbreaks, the desire for answers became an all-consuming need. I desperately sought a referral to a specialist, hoping to finally uncover the why behind our repeated losses. Yet, it wasn’t until our fourth miscarriage that we were finally referred to a Recurrent Miscarriage Clinic. Even then, the investigations felt limited because we had previously had a healthy pregnancy. In the end, I underwent a blood test and a hysteroscopy.
In my heart, I yearned for an abnormal result, a tangible explanation. I craved a medical reason, something treatable, something that could offer hope for the future.
“Take this medication, and your next pregnancy will be successful!”
But that wasn’t our reality. Our miscarriages remained unexplained, categorized as “unexplained recurrent miscarriage.” We left the consultant’s office with the crushing uncertainty that we might face further losses before, or even if, we could have another healthy baby. Fortunately, we were among the lucky ones, and my subsequent pregnancy resulted in the birth of Little Mister H in July 2016.
Despite our eventual joy, the lack of a definitive reason for our miscarriages was, and remains, one of the most agonizing aspects of baby loss. The relentless uncertainty cast a long shadow over our lives, a heavy burden to bear.
Why Tommy’s “Tell Me Why” Campaign Resonates Deeply
The stark reality is that 1 in 4 pregnancies ends in loss or preterm birth. Tragically, in a staggering 71% of these cases, parents are never given a medical explanation for their heartbreak. This leaves countless individuals grappling with unanswered questions, self-blame, and profound grief, often feeling isolated in their experience. Without understanding the why, the healing process becomes infinitely more challenging.
The key to unlocking these answers lies in research. Yet, research into baby loss remains critically underfunded, a stark contrast to its widespread impact. This is why Tommy’s, a leading charity dedicated to reducing baby loss, has launched the powerful Tell Me Why campaign. They are advocating for increased funding for vital research into miscarriage, stillbirth, and preterm birth.
Increased research funding is not just about statistics; it’s about providing bereaved parents with the answers they so desperately deserve. It’s about moving beyond the devastatingly common “it’s just one of those things” and offering concrete, medical reasons. Crucially, it’s about dismantling the cycle of self-blame that engulfs 80% of women who experience baby loss, empowering them with knowledge and understanding instead of guilt and uncertainty.
The “Tell Me Why” campaign is more than just a call for funding; it’s a beacon of hope for parents navigating the darkness of baby loss. It’s a movement to ensure that future generations have access to the answers and support they need. This is why I wholeheartedly support this vital campaign and urge you to join me. Please lend your voice and add your name to the growing list of individuals demanding more research into baby loss.
Together, we can amplify the plea: Tell me why. And through research, we can strive to ensure that fewer parents are left asking this heart-wrenching question in the future.
Thank you for listening, for caring, and for standing in solidarity with bereaved parents everywhere.
Warmest hugs,
Lucy
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