His comment was simple, “That must have felt good.”
And he was right; it really had. Hearing him say it was like a release, a quiet acknowledgment of something I hadn’t fully processed until that moment.
A few nights later, we found ourselves talking on his bedroom floor at 3 a.m. Exhaustion was setting in, but my mind was still racing. He watched me, his gaze intense, as I pretended to be absorbed in one of his books, anything to avoid meeting his eyes.
My ride home was already on its way when Utsav finally spoke the words that revealed his feelings. But there was a condition: a month-long retreat loomed, and he didn’t want to enter it tied to any romantic commitments. He proposed something temporary, a connection until his retreat, followed by a clean break.
“I think we could learn a lot from each other,” he stated.
I internally scoffed at his pretension, yet a nagging voice admitted he had a point.
I don’t know why I said yes. Looking back, the reasons blur. Was it pure curiosity? Was it the fear of the “what if” echoing in my mind, a constant reminder of missed opportunities? Or was it a deeper, almost instinctive pull, a sense that our paths colliding would somehow alter the course I was on?
There was an unexpected freedom in not having to consider the long-term implications of this connection. The usual anxieties of a new relationship faded – no need to analyze how he’d fit into my friends’ circles or family expectations, no pressure to envision a shared future. Yet, this wasn’t a shallow encounter. The depth remained, defying the casual nature of the arrangement.
That same night, after laying bare his feelings, he voiced another concern, “I’m also worried about you. You push yourself so relentlessly – it’s admirable, but I worry it’s not sustainable. And frankly, I don’t know why, but I just don’t trust you to take care of yourself.”
His words hung in the air, another layer to the unfolding complexity. I don’t know why he felt that way, but his perception resonated with a truth I often ignored. My drive, my intensity – were they pushing me towards something, or away from myself?
This temporary arrangement, born from uncertainty and a hesitant “yes,” became a surprising journey of self-discovery. It wasn’t about knowing all the answers, but about embracing the questions, even the ones that started with, “I don’t know why.” It was about learning from an unexpected connection, and perhaps, finally learning to take care of myself.
