It was during a work retreat, in a moment carved out for personal time, that the feeling crept in. As a parent and partner, the realization dawned that this was the most extended period of solitude experienced in years. The rain pattered softly outside, creating a cozy ambiance, perfect for diving into a book, wandering aimlessly, and indulging in restful sleep. Yet, amidst this idyllic scene, waves of loneliness washed over. It was a sensation both unfamiliar in its intensity and disturbingly recognizable from the past. One rainy afternoon, the desire to remain cocooned in bed was overwhelming, especially as the sounds of jovial groups heading to the pool drifted in. Later, even surrounded by new faces at the retreat, a profound sense of disconnection settled in. Networking, never a favored activity, felt even more daunting after a day and a half of being alone. Despite being in a room teeming with people, an initial feeling of profound isolation and loneliness took hold.
What is Loneliness?
Loneliness, a deeply human experience, paradoxically remains a topic often shrouded in silence. Research indicates its pervasive nature, with approximately 80% of individuals under 18 and 40% of adults over 65 reporting feelings of loneliness at least occasionally. However, when gripped by loneliness, the isolating belief that no one can truly comprehend the experience often leads to silent suffering. Defining loneliness proves challenging due to its subjective nature, yet delving deeper reveals common threads in how individuals across the board experience this emotion.
The U.S. Surgeon General’s Advisory on the Healing Effects of Social Connection and Community defines loneliness as “A subjective distressing experience that results from perceived isolation or inadequate meaningful connections, where inadequate refers to the discrepancy or unmet need between an individual’s preferred and actual experience.” In a podcast discussing this pressing issue, Dr. Vivek Murthy elaborates on the physicality of loneliness, describing it as “like a sense of despair.” He further explains that individuals experiencing loneliness often feel invisible and inconsequential. Researchers consistently characterize loneliness as a distressing emotion. The definition frequently emphasizes the individual’s perception of their experience. While it might be tempting to assume that altering perception could eliminate loneliness, it’s more helpful to view perception as intertwined with our needs and experiences. Framing loneliness as a response to an unmet need for human and social connection provides a more constructive understanding.
Loneliness serves as a signal, alerting us to the absence of something vital for survival: human and social connection. Research unequivocally demonstrates our inherent need for connection, a drive ingrained from birth. Evolutionary studies and theories underscore the survival advantage of connection, highlighting the dangers associated with isolation. Historically, connection meant protection and access to resources, while solitude equated to vulnerability and danger. Even in our modern era of resource abundance and relative safety, our need for connection persists. Our bodies and nervous systems may still perceive disconnection as a threat. This physiological response is at the heart of feeling lonely; our body experiences stress as a reaction to the perceived threat of disconnection.
What is the Difference Between Solitude and Loneliness?
While feelings of loneliness can arise during periods of being alone or physically isolated, it’s crucial to understand that loneliness is a complex emotional state. It emerges when you perceive yourself as misunderstood, disconnected, or lacking meaningful bonds with others, irrespective of physical proximity to people. This sense of disconnection can manifest as feelings of emptiness, isolation, and despair.
It’s essential to differentiate between loneliness and solitude, terms often mistakenly used interchangeably. Being “alone” does not automatically equate to being “lonely.” Actively engaging in solitude can be a valuable practice for introspection and fostering a healthy relationship with oneself. Conversely, some individuals experience profound loneliness even when surrounded by others. Therefore, the mere presence of people is not a reliable indicator of whether someone is experiencing loneliness. While nearly everyone will grapple with loneliness at some point in their lives, the subjective experience of loneliness remains uniquely personal.
Why Are We Becoming More Lonely?
Numerous factors contribute to the increasing prevalence of loneliness, now often referred to as “the loneliness epidemic.” While the pandemic and subsequent isolation brought this issue into sharp focus, evidence suggests that loneliness rates have been on the rise since the 1970s. Dr. Murthy initially flagged this as a public health concern as early as 2017.
In our increasingly modern and digital society, loneliness can be seen as an unfortunate byproduct. Transformations in family structures, such as the rise in single-parent households and smaller family sizes, can impact the quality and frequency of social interactions within families. Hectic lifestyles and competing priorities can further limit opportunities for meaningful connections among family members. Technology, while enhancing communication accessibility, has also reshaped the essence of social interactions. Over-reliance on social media, digital communication, and virtual connections can provide a semblance of connection but often fall short of fostering the deep, meaningful bonds we fundamentally need. Furthermore, social media use can fuel social comparison, feelings of inadequacy, and diminished well-being, contributing to feelings of “Why Do I Feel Lonely”.
While remote work offers flexibility and more time at home, it doesn’t automatically translate to increased connection. In today’s work culture, extended working hours are common, potentially leading to social isolation and fewer opportunities for spontaneous social interactions. Working from home can also hinder the development and nurturing of relationships with colleagues, further exacerbating feelings of loneliness and making individuals ponder, “why do i feel lonely?”.
The stereotypical image of a “lonely” person might be an older adult living alone with limited social outings. While older adults do experience loneliness and are significantly affected by social isolation, research indicates an inverse relationship between age and loneliness. A 2020 study revealed that 79% of Gen Z and 71% of Millennial respondents reported feeling lonely, compared to only 50% of Baby Boomers. This data further supports the notion that technology, social media, and remote work are contributing factors to these figures. Some research also suggests that older adults may have developed coping mechanisms to manage solitude, while younger individuals are still developing these skills and may experience loneliness more acutely, potentially interpreting it as rejection, thus intensifying the question “why do i feel lonely?”.
Loneliness can also stem from life transitions that disrupt established social support systems. These transitions can include leaving school, changing jobs, relationship changes, or moving to a new location. Often, this type of loneliness is temporary, and new relationships can be cultivated over time to fulfill social needs. However, chronic loneliness poses a more significant and persistent challenge.
How Does Loneliness Impact Your Mental Health?
Loneliness can worsen existing mental health challenges and often acts as both a symptom and a contributing factor to mental illnesses. Researchers have established a strong link between loneliness and depression, with lonely individuals facing a heightened risk of developing depressive symptoms. Conversely, individuals experiencing depression may withdraw from social interactions, leading to increased loneliness. Similarly, a significant correlation exists between social anxiety and loneliness. Social anxiety often results in self-isolation, paradoxically intensifying feelings of loneliness in individuals who deeply crave connection and community. Loneliness has also been linked to sleep disturbances, including insomnia, disrupted sleep patterns, and poor sleep quality. These sleep problems can further aggravate loneliness and negatively impact overall mental health, compounding the question, “why do i feel lonely?”.
The connection between depression and loneliness is also attributed to alterations in cognition and emotional processing caused by loneliness. A recent study utilizing functional MRI technology demonstrated that lonely individuals exhibited atypical neural responses compared to their non-lonely peers, particularly in brain regions associated with shared perspectives and subjective understanding. This suggests that loneliness can literally alter how individuals process the world around them.
In severe cases, the hopelessness and despair associated with chronic loneliness can lead to more dire mental health outcomes. Studies indicate that loneliness is a strong predictor of suicidal ideation. It can distort an individual’s perception of their emotional connections and available social support, fostering feelings of isolation and worthlessness and prompting the desperate question, “why do i feel lonely?”.
How Does Loneliness Impact Your Physical Health?
The biology of connection and disconnection is intrinsically linked to stress responses. Perceived disconnection triggers a fear response, potentially causing a surge in hormones like epinephrine and elevated cortisol levels. This physiological reaction, designed to prepare the body to respond to a perceived threat by increasing blood pressure and heart rate, can have detrimental effects when prolonged. Chronic loneliness can significantly impair immune function. Lonely individuals also tend to experience poorer sleep quality, characterized by frequent awakenings and reduced deep REM sleep. This can be understood as a survival mechanism – light sleep ensures vigilance and readiness to react in perceived danger.
A substantial body of evidence demonstrates the adverse effects of loneliness on physical health. A striking meta-analysis from 2015 revealed that socially isolated individuals had an almost 30% increased risk of mortality before the age of 65. Loneliness-induced stress contributes to inflammation throughout the body, impacting cardiovascular health. A 2022 scientific statement from the American Heart Association, reviewing multiple studies, found a 29% increased risk of heart attack and a 32% increased risk of stroke in individuals reporting loneliness and social isolation. These findings were also associated with poorer prognoses in individuals with pre-existing coronary heart disease. Researchers speculate that these correlations may be partly attributed to unhealthy behaviors more prevalent among lonely individuals, such as physical inactivity, substance use (including smoking), and poor dietary habits, all contributing to the answer of “why do i feel lonely” in a physical sense.
How Can We Mitigate Loneliness?
Having grasped the significance of loneliness, you might be asking, “What can I do if I am suffering from loneliness?”. Addressing loneliness is not a simple fix, despite the wish for a quick solution. However, understanding the commonality and implications of loneliness offers hope for collective and individual action.
Name What You’re Feeling:
The initial step in navigating any challenging emotion is acknowledging its presence. Loneliness, unfortunately, can be difficult to admit due to its undesirable connotations. Some individuals experience shame or self-doubt when feeling lonely, interpreting it as a personal failing. Reframing loneliness as a signal of an unmet need, akin to hunger pangs indicating the need for food or thirst signaling dehydration, can be helpful. We readily understand the need to eat and hydrate. Similarly, recognizing connection as a fundamental human need is crucial. Just as stomach growling can be embarrassing, acknowledging loneliness can also feel vulnerable.
While addressing loneliness may eventually require expressing this feeling to others, starting with self-acknowledgment is a significant first step.
Offer Yourself Compassion:
Understanding the prevalence of loneliness and its societal context can foster self-compassion rather than self-blame. Considering the impact of modern society, technology, and lifestyle structures can provide perspective. Feeling lonely is not a reflection of personal worth or an indication of being unworthy of connection. Treat yourself with the same care and kindness you would extend to others experiencing loneliness.
Cultivating positive self-talk and self-compassion can also transform the experience of being alone. By offering yourself care and kindness in solitude, you can gradually cultivate a more positive relationship with yourself, making solitude a space for introspection, clarity, and inner peace.
Use It:
When we recognize bodily signals like hunger or thirst, we ideally respond by nourishing and hydrating ourselves, preferably before reaching extremes of starvation or dehydration. Similarly, tuning into feelings of loneliness and recognizing unmet connection needs can prompt us to honor this fundamental human need. This is, admittedly, easier said than done. Loneliness can trigger withdrawal due to self-blame and shame. However, if we don’t feel ashamed of feeling thirsty, there’s no logical reason to feel ashamed of feeling lonely.
Reflect on times when you felt connected and identify relationships that foster feelings of being seen and understood. The antidote to loneliness lies in cultivating deep, authentic relationships where you can be your true self and feel secure. While these relationships may not always be readily available, or we may realize we need more of them, cultivating existing connections can be a starting point for managing loneliness. This might involve initiating conversations with strangers in everyday settings or reaching out to new neighbors. Opportunities for connection are all around us, and given the widespread nature of loneliness, many are likely yearning for connection themselves.
Sometimes, seeking external support is necessary to address loneliness. Therapy can provide a valuable space to practice authenticity and vulnerability while connecting with another person and exploring desired relationship cultivation.
Reflecting on personal experiences, like the retreat that offered both solitude and moments of loneliness amidst a busy life of emails, chores, and family responsibilities, serves as a reminder of the universal human need for connection. As we navigate the complexities of modern life, prioritizing connection with ourselves and others is paramount. Through compassion, understanding, and a willingness to reach out, we can mitigate the profound impact of loneliness, enhancing both our mental and physical well-being and improving the overall quality of our lives. If you find yourself struggling with loneliness and seeking support in cultivating relationships, remember that help is available, and reaching out is a sign of strength.
