It’s unsettling, to say the least, waking up from a dream where your ex is the main character. Whether it’s a pleasant dream or a full-blown nightmare, it can leave you feeling confused and wondering, “Why Do I Have Dreams About My Ex?”. You’re not alone in this experience. Dreaming about an ex is surprisingly common, and according to Certified Dream Analyst Lauri Loewenberg, it’s a question she gets asked frequently. Let’s delve into why these dreams occur, what they might mean, and when you should pay closer attention.
Is Dreaming About Your Ex Normal?
If you’ve been wondering “is it normal to dream about my ex?”, rest assured, the answer is a resounding yes. While there’s no definitive statistic on how many people dream about their exes, Lauri Loewenberg, who has analyzed over 75,000 dreams since 1996, confirms it’s a very common topic in her consultations. In fact, one of her most popular TikTok videos addresses this very question, highlighting just how widespread this experience is. “Whether it is our most recent ex or our first love from years and years ago, we all dream of our exes from time to time,” Loewenberg explains, normalizing this often perplexing dream phenomenon.
Dream Analyst Lauri Loewenberg
Image alt text: Lauri Loewenberg, certified dream analyst and expert on dream interpretation, explaining common dream themes.
What Does It Mean When You Dream About Your Ex?
The meaning behind dreams about an ex isn’t always straightforward, but they are rarely random. According to Loewenberg, these dreams often point to underlying issues or emotions you’re currently processing. The specific type of dream and the context can reveal a lot about what your subconscious is trying to communicate. Here are five key reasons why you might be dreaming about your ex:
1. Lingering Love and Unresolved Feelings
Dreams about an ex can be a clear indicator of lingering feelings, especially if the breakup was painful or left you with unanswered questions. Loewenberg notes that these dreams are common after being dumped, as it can be a significant blow to the ego and leave you questioning yourself and the relationship. Common dreams associated with lingering love include:
- Dreaming of getting back together with your ex: This is often a “wish fulfillment dream,” reflecting a desire to reconcile or revisit the relationship. It doesn’t necessarily mean you should get back together, but it highlights unresolved feelings and a longing for what was.
- Dreaming of breaking into their home: Loewenberg interprets this as a desire to understand your ex’s mindset. The home symbolizes their inner world, and breaking in represents a subconscious urge to figure out “what went wrong” or gain closure.
- Dreaming your ex apologizes and wants you back: This dream can be a mix of wish fulfillment and a need for validation. It suggests a desire to feel better about yourself and the breakup, seeking a form of emotional reconciliation, even if only in the dream world.
2. Emotional or Sexual Dissatisfaction in Your Current Relationship
Sometimes, dreams about an ex, particularly a first love or someone from a very passionate past relationship, can surface when you’re experiencing dissatisfaction in your current relationship. Loewenberg explains that “the subconscious begins to miss the spice and the bubbles of first-time love,” especially if your current relationship has become routine or lacks excitement. Your first love often becomes imprinted in your psyche as a symbol of intense passion and desire. Dreams in this category might include:
- Dreaming about having sex with your ex: This doesn’t necessarily mean you want to rekindle a sexual relationship with your ex. Instead, it can signify a longing for more passion, intimacy, or excitement in your current romantic life.
- Dreaming of getting back together (in a passionate context): Similar to the wish fulfillment dream, but in this context, it emphasizes the desire to recapture the passionate dynamic you once had, which may be lacking now.
- Dreams of searching for your ex or trying to get their attention: These dreams can reflect a subconscious yearning for attention, validation, or feeling desired, which you might be missing in your present relationship.
- Dreaming of saving your ex from danger: This could symbolize a desire to revive a “dying” passion or inject excitement back into your current relationship. The act of saving can represent a subconscious effort to rescue or revitalize aspects of love and desire that feel dormant.
3. Dissatisfaction With Current Life Circumstances
Interestingly, dreams about an ex aren’t always about the ex themselves. Loewenberg points out that sometimes “people in our dreams can represent who we were when they were in our life; they serve as a landmark in time.” Your ex, in this case, becomes a symbol of a past period in your life. Dreaming about them might reflect a longing for aspects of that past time, rather than specifically for the person.
- Dreaming of getting back together with an ex or having sex with them (in this context): This type of dream might not be about wanting your ex back, but rather a desire to return to a time in your life when you felt happier, more carefree, or more fulfilled. It’s about wanting to recapture a past version of yourself or a past life situation that you associate with your ex.
4. Resentment and Unresolved Negative Feelings
If your past relationship was marked by negativity, such as cheating or abuse, dreams about your ex can be linked to unresolved resentment or trauma. These experiences leave deep imprints on your psyche. Loewenberg suggests that these dreams can surface if a current situation or person triggers similar feelings of victimization or hurt. “Dreams can borrow from the past in order to warn us not to fall into old habits or situations again,” she explains.
- Dreaming of being yelled at or cheated on by your ex: These dreams can be a sign of unresolved PTSD from the past relationship. They might also indicate that you’re still holding onto self-blame or anger related to the past relationship, or that a current situation is making you feel similarly victimized or mistreated.
5. Resolved Feelings and Closure
In rarer instances, you might dream about an ex even after you’ve moved on and resolved your feelings. Loewenberg notes that this is especially true with “horrible exes” or abusive relationships. Paradoxically, these dreams might be positive, showing you back together and things going well. This can occur when you’ve truly come to peace with the past and recognize how those experiences have made you stronger. These dreams signal acceptance and growth. “We no longer have shame or distrust or anger or fear but rather have grown and accepted that part of our life as a building block into who we are now,” Loewenberg explains.
When Should You Be Concerned About Ex Dreams?
While dreaming about an ex is generally normal, Loewenberg advises that concern is warranted “when the dreams have become incessant for a long period of time and are negatively affecting your waking thoughts and mood.” If these dreams are consistently distressing and disrupting your daily life, it’s time to pay closer attention.
The key is to analyze the emotions you experience in the dream and connect them to your waking life. “Is anything going on in your life right now that is making you feel the same or similar way that you felt in the dream? If so, that is the issue your subconscious wants you to correct,” Loewenberg advises. Persistent negative dreams can be a signal that you’re avoiding or suppressing certain emotions or issues that need to be addressed.
Dreaming About an Ex While in a Relationship: Should You Feel Guilty?
It’s a common worry: “I’m in a relationship, why am I dreaming about my ex?” Loewenberg reassures that it doesn’t automatically mean you’re unhappy or want your ex back. In fact, these dreams can sometimes be constructive for your current relationship. “If you are in a relationship but have dreamed of getting back with your ex or hooking up with your ex, it doesn’t necessarily mean you want the ex back, but rather there may be something about that ex or something about the dynamic within that relationship that you would like to incorporate into your current one,” she explains.
For example, dreaming about the passion you had with an ex might highlight a need for more romance or spontaneity in your current relationship. Guilt is only warranted, according to Loewenberg, if you are consciously longing for your ex while in your current relationship, and this desire is manifesting in your dreams.
What To Do If You Keep Dreaming About Your Ex
Loewenberg emphasizes that “dreams are messages from you, to you, [and] about you… in order to improve you.” Even if dreaming about your ex is unsettling, it’s an opportunity for self-reflection and growth. The first step is to identify the underlying issue your dream is highlighting. Once you pinpoint the emotion or situation the dream is reflecting, take action.
For instance, if your dream reveals you’re bringing distrust from a past relationship into your current one, actively work on letting go of that baggage. If the dream points to a lack of passion, consider ways to reignite the spark in your current relationship. “The action you take will be specific to your issue, but it is crucial to take action and work in partnership with your dreams because they are guiding you toward becoming the best you that you can be… if you pay attention to them,” Loewenberg concludes. Paying attention to your dreams about your ex can be a valuable tool for self-understanding and improving both your inner world and your current relationships.
